I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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