That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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