I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I deserve this hangover.
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