Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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