I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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