Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
