so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
