i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
