my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
