so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
