So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
