Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
