Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
