I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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