My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
