I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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