so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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