My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Farmville is her only friend.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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