I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
