I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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