advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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