i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
