fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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