i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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