my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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