stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
