I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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