whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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