ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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