I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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