My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
