I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
