meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The feeling are messing with the penis
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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