so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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