i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
