My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
