booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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