Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
