I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
