Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
