im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
