I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
