I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
