It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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