So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
