I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
