I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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