the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
