did you get engaged???
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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