Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
