My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
