he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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