i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
