i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
