True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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