Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
