Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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