im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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