ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
