we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm passing your future prison.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
